Mind Twirls, Reality doesn’t make sense

 

So, you ask yourself what is the difference between a Catholic Priest and any other religion out there .  Technically, the Roman Catholic Priest is forbidden to be married or have any relationship with a woman after they are an ordained as clergy.  (Please note, I stated AFTER they are ordained as clergy).  They are not free to marry based on the vows they take.  For my instance this I found quite interesting, he was ordained as a Legionaire of Christ.  So, let’s dig deeper.  This group of ordained priests are the forefront of the news.  The founder and many of his priests and seminarians (also known as the millionaire priests) are repeatedly noted for going against their sacred vows.  Many secretly having relationships with women and fathering children as well as sexual abuse to young boys.  Now the vow they take , vows of obedience, chastity and poverty they are said by every seminarian, priest, bishop that goes thru the processes.

Knowing that you are alone in this forgein world, knowing that I grew up Roman Catholic, trusting priests, deacons, bishops and cardinals my entire life.  Why, seriously why would I not trust or believe this man, this priest?

That kiss was just the start of that evening.  Pulling away from him, fighting the inner demons inside did not work.  Who would believe me?  Who could I confess to? I could see it now; Forgive me father for I have sinned.  It has been two weeks since my last confession.  I am constantly finding myself drawn into an improper relationship with an ordained priest.  And the Priests response:  “God will punish you”.  Seriously, I couldn’t tell you a day that I constantly worried about my soul and how this had to be some type of bizarre dream, because no one comes up with this.  In a way I felt like Esmeralda in the book The Humpback of Notre Dame.  How does one get accused of leading on a man of the cloth?  The guilt and shame hit me by waves and waves every day.  Do I continue to give into him?  He makes it very hard to say “no”.  NO!  He’s taking me to the pool today, maybe we can have a little one on one conversation, at least see if we can backtrack and really find out what’s going on.  I’m pretty vulnerable at this point and I need someone to talk to.  (Worst mistake in my life) Did you know the more information a predator has on you, the more they can use it in their favor.

I’m a sex slave.  That’s how I feel.  Caught between a rock and a hard place.  No seriously you have no idea where they find places for you to have sex.  How is it that I’m the one who feels lost? As if I lost my way in this journey.  I cannot even concentrate on work, my thoughts begin to think of him.  Only him.  As we. Continue to have this ongoing , let’s just call it a “thing” I feel less human, more numb.  I stop eating, begging forgiveness in my prayers every night.  Afraid to talk to anyone about this.  Until one day, I call my sister on SKYPE, yep she is deployed to the same country I am.  And I ask her, beg her to help me make sense of this.  Her response, “Do you love him”?  I cannot answer this.  This point in the deployment and how he has made me go thru every emotion.  I don’t know what to say.  I’m overwhelmed with feelings, I just don’t know what they are.  She was arriving in a week up into my location, she can see then.

When my sister arrived, he picked her up at her location and brought her to me.  We were able to hang out as a group, but I had to return to work.  They ended up hanging out the rest of the day until I got off work that evening.  Jealousy!  Yep, this man is driving me crazy.  The places he took pictures of with my sister today, I felt so left out and felt like he started to hit on her too!  I’ve got to snap myself back together.  I know my sister wouldn’t let him touch her, but just the thought of them together kept creeping up in my mind.  I truly need help, but again no one to turn to.

That night my sister stated that, let’s just refer him to as “Ani”, he would not keep his eyes off of me.  Every time I went to dance with another soldier or contractor, his eyes followed me around the room with complete jealousy darting out.  This does not make me feel any better.  Actually, it makes me feel worse.  How can I have a normal friendship during my deployment with those eyes staring at me?  After we dropped my sister off at her barracks the drive back to my CHU was unbearable.  There was another soldier (female) in the vehicle in the back.  If I remember right it was one of his assistants.  He kept putting his hands up my shorts, allowing his fingers to roam where he thought he could go.  Don’t shy away, because he will just pull you in with his fingers and dig harder into you.  What can I do to get out of this situation?  Change religions? He has full access to me and he knows it.  He knows where I eat, where I sleep, where I work, where I worship and knows that I won’t tell a soul.

At first I felt honored, confused.  Now I’m feeling trapped and obedient to his needs.  I wish I had the strength inside of me to say no and have him believe me when I said “no”.  This entire deployment was full of his sexual needs being met by me.  I continue to think about this wondering and wondering what could I have done?  Now, trust me I have thought of so many scenarios, and those in the military know what I’m talking about.  The victim gets blamed, his reputation was so amazing down range that I would have been deemed the Esmeralda and burned as a witch for seducing him.  He would be obsolved of his sins and I would forever be burned in the eternal flames of hell.  Otherwise put, he would have been promoted and I would have been stuck on guard duty, unti they could come up with a good reason to chapter me out of the military for seducing an officer.

I thought I was beginning to love him.  I actually believed at one point he was going to leave the cloth and marry me.  At least that’s what I believed.  He sought after me daily, multiple times a day during this deployment.  Sunday’s at church and then spending the evening talking or having sex.  At one point, I had had enough.  I tried to stand up for myself.  Get myself away from his constant, come here, go away, come here.  (He was battling with the reality of what he was doing and the impact on not only his military career but his Priesthood).  I was hanging out with a contractor.  He was a great dancer, and truly light on his feet.  If I ran into Ani at the MWR, he would stare us down.  Glaring at me with those piercing eyes as if I was betraying him.  Wait, was I?  Was I betraying him?  I just wanted to get deployment stress out, have some laughs, dance the night away.  I don’t drink, I don’t smoke.  But I do know dancing is a great stress reliever.  My fun with the contractor was short lived.  I was corrected by Ani as to how it looked with me dancing with him.  Does it matter that this guy didn’t like women?  Kind of ironic, don’t you think?

The sex with Ani after that was kind of like punishment.  Punishment that I would hang with another man.  How dare I!  I cannot get the thought of Ani out of my head.   As before I continue to struggle with right and wrong.  I cannot get my thoughts straight.  But I do know, I know I’ve fallen for him.  I know it’s obvious I get nervous when he is around me.  I know that I don’t want to disappoint him.  I give him all of my undivided attention.  I get things flown in from Italy from friends that he specifically likes.  I get him pelican cases and cigars and goodies when ever I can.  I had 40# of coffee shipped to me down range and gave him the majority of it.  I constantly try to please him.  But I have to ask myself; WHY?

The end of my deployment, my entire company is flown into another area of the country for out processing.  I’m in my tent with 30+ other female soldiers when my NCOIC (non commissioned officer in charge) comes up to my tent looking for me.  As I heed his call, I see him, ANI.  He is right behind him.  Now, my NCOIC knows who Ani is, he used to attend his services too, as well as seeing him around my CHU after hours chatting away with me.  I’ll say I’m a little shocked that he found me, again.  He wanted me to go to the movies and hang out?  Um, excuse me?  Well, if I go I need a battle buddy.  So my NCOIC agrees to hang out with us.  Why not!  We are stuck in tents in 100+ heat and we get to hang out in the movie theatre!  Um, sign me up!   During the entire movie Ani kept placing his hands again up my shorts.  He got pleasure seeing me trying to hold back the emotions bottled up inside of me.  Was this his way of keeping control of me beyond the barricades?

I returned home.  Back to the states.  Away from what happened down range.  Getting back to my normal life.  My SKYPE rings, it’s Ani. He’s trying to figure out if I made it home ok.  He wants to see me.  And so the journey begins…..

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